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How to Work With Difficult Children

by Alinda Ford

Overview

There's not a parent among us who hasn't been exasperated with a child's challenging behavior. We look at our mini-selves and wonder how they can seem like members of an alien species. However, children are not small adults; they are, in a sense, a different species. And while no single prescription for behavior problems is appropriate for all, there is sound parenting advice available from experts such as Alan Kazdin, president of the American Psychological Association and a professor at Yale University. The most effective remedies are based on some basic principles: Keep it simple, and be consistent. These methods work at home or in the classroom.
Pay Attention and Take Action

Step 1

First, watch your child. Take notes on his behavior. What are some specific behaviors that are troublesome? What are the patterns? Are there certain times of day or antecedents that consistently trigger episodes of acting out? Knowledge is power, and you must go into your new task with information about your child in order to be successful.
Step 2

Choose specific problems that you want to eliminate. After watching carefully, determine a handful of behaviors that seem especially problematic in your child's life, and start there. Be very specific. A behavior such as "disrespect" means nothing to a child. Rephrase the action and the goal: "Jill will refrain from telling anyone to shut up," for example. That does not mean other issues of respect don't matter, only that you are tackling one behavior at a time.
Step 3

Change your thinking by turning negative to positive. Kazdin encourages parents to "become experts" on what you want your child to do instead of what you want him not to do. Shift your focus to one that notices him doing the right thing. Practice those behaviors with your child by role playing or creating games around the actions you want to see. Parenting (or teaching) does not have to become a game of punishment and consequences. Teach your child positive alternate behaviors to replace the ones you want eliminated.
Step 4

Reward good behavior. Rewards can and should be both tangible and intangible. Create a chart with your child's target behaviors and track her success visually. Consistently reward those behaviors with stickers or tokens. Allow the child to earn special privileges so that she learns about the benefits of hard work and to boost her self-esteem. And sometimes an old-fashioned pat on the back coupled with "Great job!" is worth all the stickers in the world.

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Be consistent in how you handle problem behaviors. Clarify the rules and don't change them. Set up "natural" scenarios in which your child can practice his new behaviors without knowing he is doing so.
Be consistent in how you handle problem behaviors. Clarify the rules and don't change them.
Set up "natural" scenarios in which your child can practice his new behaviors without knowing he is doing so.
Praise your child, but do not overdo. Constant exuberant praise for very small tasks dilutes its effectiveness and creates mistrust on the part of the child. Expect it to take time. Be patient with yourself and your child.
Praise your child, but do not overdo. Constant exuberant praise for very small tasks dilutes its effectiveness and creates mistrust on the part of the child.
Expect it to take time. Be patient with yourself and your child.