Gambling! Alcohol! Porn!

No, we're not talking about college; we're talking about that glorious Mecca of corruption that lies in the middle of a desert. Though Las Vegas is known as the City of Sin, in recent years, it's become one of the family-friendliest tourist destinations in the U.S., replete with theme parks, video arcades, tacky shows, and 24-hour buffets. It's degraded morals the Brady way! But you're no fool - you still know that most people go to Vegas to get a little taste of Lady Luck. Well, you're lucky already! This SYW will help you get to Las Vegas, have a good time there, and return as happy as can be (at least, for a person who stupidly decided to hit on a 17).

But before we get to the details, we need to address a hugely important question:

Q:SHOULD I GO TO LAS VEGAS IF I'M UNDER 21?

A:

It depends. If you're under 21 but you're going on a family trip, you'll probably still have fun - there are tons of things for the underage crowd to do (especially younger kids). However, if you and some 17- to 20-year-old buddies are planning to hit the town, know this: you won't be able to gamble or drink. Casinos and bars are surprisingly strict with IDs and will boot you right out. Okay, maybe you'll be able to sneak a few pulls of the old one-arm bandit, but there are tons of security people walking around - you'd be so tense about getting caught, that even if you do manage 10 minutes at a table, you probably won't have any fun. Also, almost all hotels require a valid ID that proves you're 21 to check in. So the long and short of it is that if you're under 21, don't go if you're ONLY interested in the gambling scene.

1. CHOOSE YOUR DURATION AND TRANSPORTAION

First, decide how long you want to be in this neon wonderland. It's a 24-hour-a-day town, so it can get very tiring, and if you're a gambler, the longer you stay, the more money you'll probably lose. Hence, four or five days should be plenty of time to do (and drink) enough to wipe out a good portion of your frontal cortex.

As for a good time to go, well, it's always crowded and it's always hot. Always. It's a desert. Deserts are hot. But we do have a bit more guidance for you:

  • We recommend that you try to stay away during the July-September season, when temperatures break 110°F. However, because of the searing heat, the summer also tends to be a bit less crowded.

  • One way to avoid some of the crowd is to schedule most of your trip during weekdays (that's when hotel rates are lowest anyways).

  • Stay away during major holidays, especially New Year's Eve, Memorial Day Weekend, and Labor Day Weekend. It gets downright crazy during those times.

Still interested in the land of excess and indulgence? Like we even need to ask. But how will you get there?

Drive
Fly
Walk

Drive

If you live on the West Coast or anywhere somewhat close to Vegas, you can save some money if you road trip it. Also, it can be handy to have a car if you want to see some stuff that's not on the main Strip of hotels. If you do choose to hit the open road, then check out "SoYouWanna Drive Cross-Country?" However, we must remind you that there really isn't a lot of stuff surrounding Las Vegas except a whole lot of desert. So if you drive, don't expect to see interesting things along the way (except lizards, cacti, and the occasional lost prostitute).

Fly

This is the standard option for most people. We'll tell you right now that there are many, many great deals to get cheap tickets to Vegas. Those casinos really want your money, so they make it as easy as possible for you to get and stay there: plane tickets and hotel rooms can be found at very cheap prices. So look in your Sunday paper under the travel section and see all the sweet deals-especially if you fly Sunday through Thursday. The package deals can be especially tempting, and often, a hotel will "comp" you with casino tokens.

Another option is to check Expedia, in the past we found several deals for a trip for two from New York City to Las Vegas costing under $350 for airfare and hotel. Go to that site now and see what turns up.

And don't forget to check out "SoYouWanna Find Cheap Airline Tickets?" for a more complete scoop (we love them plugs).

Walk

We salute you, you crazy purist. We'll also laugh when they find your dried-up skull in the desert.

2. FIND A PLACE TO STAY

If you plan to spend your whole trip wandering doggedly from blackjack table to blackjack table, skip this section. However, if you're not insane, you'll need a place to sleep. Luckily, the Land of Hospitality boasts some of the most mind-boggling, jaw-dropping hotels in the world. When you read about them here, they may sound cheesy - but they're not. These hotels are cities within themselves (each one is about a block long) and just plain awesome. And what's more is that they offer surprisingly reasonable rates. (This is because they'll suck you dry in their casino.)

The first thing you have to learn is that there is one stretch of road that houses virtually every main hotel/casino in Vegas. This stretch is appropriately called "The Strip." Whenever people speak of "The Strip," they are referring to Las Vegas Boulevard. All of the action is here, and you can easily walk to any casino. The lesson: If this is your maiden voyage to Vegas, you'll definitely want to stay in a hotel on the Strip. Unless you'd rather walk miles in 110°F heat. Check out this map of the Strip:

Obviously, we can't describe all of the hotels, but we'll give you a rundown on the different levels of luxury. By the way, you'll notice that virtually every hotel is "themed." We don't know who started the theming war, but it will at least make the casino workers' costumes interesting to look at.

Upper level
Lower level

Upper level

These hotels are visually stunning and offer immense activities. And while the rooms aren't the cheapest, only in Vegas could you find accommodations like these at such reasonable prices. Many of the rooms in these hotels aren't merely big; they're downright Louis-the-XIV opulent.

  • Mirage Resorts: This conglomerate offers three incredible hotels on the Strip:

    • The Bellagio, which houses a world-renowned art gallery, including Picassos.
    • The Mirage, with its white tiger magic show and full-blown aquarium.
    • Treasure Island, with a huge video game arcade for the kiddies and an animatronic pirate show out front.
  • Caesar's Palace: Dubbed an architectural wonder, this is the Roman Age of Opulence in full glory. Don't forget your toga.

  • New York, New York: A see-it-to-believe-it recreation of New York City, inside and out. It also has the Manhattan Express roller coaster that zips around the skyline faster than the 2/3 subway.

  • Wynn Las Vegas: Built on the land fomerly held by the Desert Inn (see above map), the Wynn is the new hot spot in Sin City along with the Palms. In the lobby you may run into a celebutante or two…or three.

  • MGM Grand:The biggest mamma of 'em all. It's the largest hotel, with about 5,000 rooms, and a huge casino. It also has five separate pools, and a flowing river to glide down.
  • Palms: And a new one made popular by MTV's Real World is the Palms. A must see.

So how much coin are ya gonna shell out to stay at places like this? The range is wide, because special offers are always going on.

Lower level

For the more frugal, Las Vegas still has you covered. Besides, it doesn't really matter too much where you stay (as long as you're on the Strip), because you can always visit any hotel to see the attractions. That's Vegas - the City of Generosity. Ha!

  • Barbary Coast: This quaint hotel/casino is located in the middle of the Strip. No attractions like tap-dancing albino gorillas, just good old rooms, simple restaurants, and, of course, a casino.

  • Imperial Palace: Known as the "best deal on the Strip." Centrally located, it offers a large casino, classy restaurants, an antique car show, and live show featuring celebrity impersonators, all at an extremely reasonable price. If you want to stay away from the ultra-glitzy, but still want a nice hotel, this is your best bet.

These hotels sometimes offer great deals for weekdays, such as rooms for $30 per night, but it's usually about $50 per night, and the weekends will run you about $80-$120 per night.

Amazingly, this is only scratching the surface of the Las Vegas hotel scene. For a rundown of every hotel both on and off the Strip, check out this site. To reserve your room (and you should definitely do this well in advance), either call the toll-free number, or book a room online.

Some other hotels on the strip:

Mandalay Bay
Luxor
Excalibur
Aladdin
Tropicana
Monte Carlo
Bally's
The Flamingo Hilton
The Venetian
Circus Circus

3. VISIT THE MAIN ATTRACTIONS OF LAS VEGAS

You've got your place to stay. Now it's time to hit the town and stagger around like the drunken, awe-stricken tourist you are.

Even though there's a myriad of other things to do, the town still revolves around gambling. Hey, it wouldn't be a trip to Vegas if you didn't toss some money down the drain.

Casinos

First you have to find a casino - this is about as difficult as finding salt in the ocean. If you'll just be gambling while passing through hotels and don't feel like learning any table games, you'll probably toss a few quarters in a slot machine. You will lose.

But for the more casino-savvy, Las Vegas is your Promised Land. You'll find table games with minimums ranging from $1 to high roller games of staggering proportions. Vegas is also the land of "comps," which are freebies that casinos give to hardcore gamblers, such as meals, shows, or even rooms. Casinos do this for gamblers to 1) keep them in the hotel, 2) keep them gambling, and 3) keep them from blowing up the hotel after they sink their life savings. If you are planning to play big, the best idea is to do it at your hotel - just ask for a "comp card" when you check in. If you gamble enough, you may even get your room discounted or free.

If you don't know the games, we can help. Our article "SoYouWanna Learn to Play Poker?" can help you with the video poker machines (and real poker tables), and to learn to play blackjack, craps, and other casino games, see this site. But please remember these tips:

  1. Never walk around with more money than you're willing to lose. Chances are that you're going to empty your wallet, so only take that much.

  2. Never run to a cash machine to get more money more than once a day. There are cash machines everywhere trying to tempt you to give it one more try.

  3. Never pawn your airline tickets home to get some more cash because you just "know" that the next roll is gonna hit it big. You're gonna lose, and you'll be stranded.

Sure, you don't have a gambling problem, but it's not that hard to get one - gambling is omnipresent in Las Vegas (airports, grocery stores, bathrooms, everywhere). And just because we're in such an after-school special mood, visit this site before you go.

Hotel attractions

After you've lost all your money in the casino, you'll need something to do that's free. You're in the right place. Again we'll stress that this section is not comprehensive, but if you're a newbie to Vegas, check this stuff out:

  • The Venetian: Recreates the charm and architecture of Italy with a replica of the Sistine Chapel painting, and gondola rides on the river that runs through a fancy-schmancy mall.

  • The Bellagio: Along with the art gallery, it features an outdoor water show of synchronized fountains spurting amazing designs in the air, choreographed to music. (Be warned: you'll probably have to go to the bathroom after you watch it.)

  • Treasure Island: Watch a pirate ship fight with death-defying acrobatics and flames shooting all over the place. If you've been waiting all your life to say, "Arr, matey!," this is it. Don't blow it.

  • Excalibur: Here, the Knights of the Round Table will put on a joust and sword fight. Go watch them get gouged to forget how badly you just lost at roulette.

  • The Mirage: Colored smoke, roaring flames… all the fun of Pompeii without the carnage.

  • Flamingo Pool: A helluva pool that's open to all. Complete with a waterfall, waterslide, and poolside bar, it's perfect to cool off in the heat.

Plus, when you're hungry, you're in the Land of Buffets. All hotels have them, and you'll usually get good food for a very reasonable price. You should know that in Las Vegas, you lose all conception of time and place (casinos don't have any clocks or windows in them), so schedules fly right out the window. But luckily the hotels never close, and the free shows usually run hourly throughout the day, and some even at night.

4. TRY SOME OTHER ACTIVITIES

Yes, there's even more to do-we told you you'd be busy. So if you can tear yourself away from that slot machine, here're some other Vegas-y options:

Shows
Clubs
Marriage

Shows

Las Vegas used to be the land of the scantily clad showgirl, but that's all changed. (Don't worry guys; they still have those too.) Now, most major hotels have shows that are among the best live entertainment in the world.

You'll see a million billboards and advertisements for these shows, so you'll have no trouble finding them. However, they get sold out fast, so you may want to the call and buy tickets in advance. Here're three of the most popular and renowned shows:

  • Siegfried and Roy: This wacky and eccentric duo of daredevils is eerily comfortable around the fearsome White Tigers, and the show is an astounding mix of illusions, storylines, and stunts. It's runs almost every night at the Mirage Hotel, and tickets are $100. Call (702) 792-7777.

  • Cirque du Soleil: This troupe puts on an animal-free circus that combines stupendous acrobatics, visually challenging stunts, lavish costumes, live music and elaborate special effects. They feature two different shows in Vegas:

    • 'Mystere': Their original Vegas show. It's at Treasure Island, and tickets are $82.50. Call 1-800-392-1999

    • 'O': Cirque du Soleil above a huge tank of water, with synchronized swimmers and underwater special effects. Appears at the Bellagio Hotel, and tickets are about $100. Call (702) 693-7722.
  • Wayne Newton: He's known as "Mr. Las Vegas." He performs in the Wayne Newton Theatre. Need we say more? Yes, this is the legend - come see the ladies swoon and the men roll their eyes in boredom. He's at the Stardust Hotel; he costs $50 (a steal!), so call up (702) 732-6325.

  • There are also tons of magicians, comedians, singers, and more playing in Las Vegas - Barbra Streisand held a concert there that cost thousands of dollars per ticket. So check out this page to see all the Vegas shows available. And don't forget to tip your waitress.
Clubs

If you haven't seen enough flashing lights yet, Vegas also has some pretty snazzy nightclubs. Here's a page with most of the nightlife, but below are three of the hippest spots that attract tons of partiers. So when you need some more human contact than Ernie the Expressionless Card Dealer, get decked out (they have strict dress codes), prepare to spend some serious dough (cover charges are usually about $15), and boogie down 'til the break of dawn. Then get back to Ernie. He's lonely and needs your money.

  • 54: A remake of the 1970s swinging club, this multi-level club has lots of cool pictures from the original 54 on the walls and a large dance floor with a good mix of dance, hip-hop, and popular music. So groove on over to the MGM Grand - but leave the leisure suit at home.

  • Club Utopia: No ideal society here, but you will find a carnival of entertainment, dancing, and people. Consistently ranked one of the most impressive nightclubs in Vegas, it's on the Strip between the MGM and Bally's.

  • Orbit: This one's at the Hard Rock Hotel, which is off the Strip, but still quite a hot spot and usually packed on weekends. It's also rumored to be where the celebrities go when they're in Vegas.

Marriage

If you've ever watched TV, you know that Vegas is the land of elopement, and practically every hotel has a wedding chapel. You can pick cool themes (remember the Shaft theme on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?), and there are even drive-through marriage chapels. But remember that there may not be a friend to dash in at the last moment and halt the ill-conceived union.

5. FOLLOW THESE TIPS WHILE IN VEGAS

Wipe up the drool. You're almost there. Just a few more things:

  • HEAT: We've mentioned it's hot, and we weren't joking. However, there's little to no humidity, (and of course all hotels are air conditioned) so it's quite tolerable, even during the day. But it's best to carry around a water bottle and drink a lot (of water, you lush).

  • GETTING AROUND: Even if you did drive, it's best not to drive around the Strip-there's a lot of traffic there, and you don't want to have a car if you'll be drinking. But taxis abound, though they can only pick you up at the entrances of hotels. The strip is also very easy to walk (another reason to stay in a hotel there!). There are also free trams that run between casinos. (You'll notice in Vegas that it's very easy to get to the casinos. How shocking.)

  • PORN & PROSTITUTION: Yep, it's sleazy, but if you're a guy, flyers for porn and "professional escorts" will constantly be thrown in your face. And while prostitution is technically illegal in the city of Las Vegas, the law is somewhat lax. But hey, we'll stay out of this one-do what you want, have a blast... We just wanted to prepare you, you perv.

Las Vegas can be pretty wild. But no matter how much you read or hear about it, it must be experienced first hand. Just stay safe, try not to pawn your plane tickets or your children, and have a faaaaa-bu-lous time. And in case you thought we'd miss this chance, one more thing: VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!!!!