Judging by the numerous lumps of coal you received last Christmas, it would seem that your family and friends are trying to tell you one of two things: 1) your house isn't warm enough, or 2) the gifts you've been giving them on their birthdays and holidays royally suck. We think the latter explanation is more plausible. Unless, of course, your house really is freezing and you own a fireplace - then coal would be a very thoughtful present.

Well, take comfort in the fact that at least we don't blame you for your appalling gift-giving habits. While it may be true that you really are tasteless, thoughtless, and cheap, it's more likely that you merely clueless and need some help in picking out the perfect gifts for your family and friends. That is why we've whipped up this SYW for you. It's a guide on how to shop, what to buy, and what not to buy. Consider it our gift to you, dear reader.

1. RESEARCH YOUR RECIPIENTS' INTERESTS

It's easy to just run out and buy one of those hideous foil-balloons-on-a-stick-attached-to-a-container-of-stale-candy gifts. But the whole point of gift giving is to show that you care, so if it's obvious that you haven't put any thought into the gift at all, there's no point in giving it.

"So how do I find out what these people want?" you whine. Simmer down and consider the following tactics:

  1. Listen to the recipient. The next time you and the recipient are watching TV together, make a note of all the things he/she gets excited about during commercials. Or pay attention when you guys are window-shopping together, or even when you're just chatting. People are always unconsciously rambling about stuff they want, and if you make it a point to listen closely, your job of finding out what he/she would like will be greatly simplified.

  2. Ask someone close to the recipient. If you're not usually around to listen to the recipient babble about the stuff he/she wants, call up someone who is and ask for a detailed list. Perhaps his/her best friend, or a sibling or parent. They can usually lead you at least in the right direction.

  3. Ask the recipient. OK, so you've never been one to beat around the bush. That's fine - some people don't mind if you directly ask them what they'd like for a present. But don't be a jerk about it if they refuse to answer - ask only if you think the recipient will be comfortable about responding.

And don't forget: those who claim that they "will love anything you get them" or "only want your company" or "don't want anything" are LYING TO YOUR FACE. Don't fall for that pathetic ruse. Get them what you know they want through your research, be it an omelet pan or French comprehensive tapes, and they'll love you for it.

2. LEARN TO SHOP DEFENSIVELY

Shopping for presents can be fun, especially if you're already a big fan of the activity and know exactly what you're doing. But if you're the type who hates shopping (in fact, your mother still buys your clothes), buying gifts can be so frustrating that you're likely to break down crying right in the middle of the mall. If you're inclined to having such breakdowns, here are some tips on how to prevent a scene.

  1. Plan WAY in advance to buy the gift
  2. Stock up on generic (but appealing) gifts
  3. Shop with someone who knows what they're doing
  4. Buy online or from a mail order catalog
  5. Chip in with someone


Plan WAY in advance to buy the gift

Many a present shopping expedition has failed in the past because the giver didn't allot enough time for it. Several Murphy's law-ish things can happen if you shop at the last minute: you run out of money, you have no time, a major earthquake swallows your house, etc. So here's how to establish a schedule:

  1. The first step is to get yourself a wall calendar, hang it in a place that you'll see it, and-here's the secret - use it. Mark down all the gift-giving occasions, like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. Whenever you get invited to a special event such as a graduation or bar mitzvah, mark it down immediately. If this advice does nothing else, at least it'll make you feel popular every time you pass by your calendar.

  2. Look up the date of exactly two weeks prior to the event and draw a big red X through it. This is the day you will start your shopping. And we do mean start shopping, not start thinking about what to shop for (you should have done that already). Go out on this X-ed day and really look for something to get the givee. One exception: if you're shopping for gifts in honor of end-of-December festivities, start right after Thanksgiving.

  3. Even if you don't find something on the first couple of days of shopping, at least you'll have ruled out certain stores or ideas. You should have the gift purchased (or mail-ordered) by a week before you have to give it away.

Stock up on generic (but appealing) gifts

No, framed pictures of yourself are not appealing. But if you happen to spot a wallet sale at Macy's or if you can save on bath stuff (soaps, lotions, etc.) by buying in bulk from the Body Shop, then stock up on these items. However, don't give these back-up gifts to close friends and relatives that you see on a regular basis. Chances are, you'll be giving them gifts a lot, and it'd be just plain sad if your best friend ended up with matching wallets for his birthday and Christmas. These gifts are more for third-tier friends.

Here's an additional tip to keep you out of trouble: keep a list of who you're giving these generic presents to. You don't want to make the mistake of giving Pamela a great "one-of-a-kind" jewelry box, then giving Pamela's sister the exact same jewelry box two months later.

Shop with someone who knows what they're doing

There are some people who just seem to be born with a shopping gene: they ask you a few questions about the potential recipient, and instantly pick out a great gift at a great price. So if you normally hate shopping, then bring along one of these genetic mutants. Their experience will find you bargains and steer you clear from purchasing presents that no one in their right minds would want. If you're lucky, your shopping sidekick will get so caught up in the activity, he/she'll end up taking over and all you'll have to do is follow him/her around.

Buy online or from a mail order catalog

You'll definitely have to plan in advance to do this because it usually takes 5-7 days for packages to be delivered (and with some gifts, it could take up to 8 weeks!), but shopping online or from a mail order catalog saves you the trouble of changing out of your PJs. We're not going to get into the technicalities of how to find a great deal online; rather, we suggest that you use a "shop bot" - a site that helps you find the best deal on a particular product. We recommend MySimon.com and Amazon.com.

Chip in with someone

This is a good way to go if you're poor and have poor friends - many people would prefer one nice gift instead of five crappy ones. This is also a great option when you'd like to get a really nice gift. For instance, you and your sisters can chip in and send your parents on a luxurious cruise as an anniversary gift.

3. STAY AWAY FROM THE FOLLOWING GIFTS

There is such a thing as a bad present.

  • Dumb awards. Unless your father actually thinks he's the "Number One Dad," don't mock him by getting him one of these dinky things. Same thing goes with the matching Number One Dad T-shirt, Number One Dad coffee mug, and Number One Dad paper shredder. These are only acceptable if you have a friend who is actually expecting his first child and you want to make a mushy sentimental statement.

  • Clothes. With the exception of a case where you've actually seen the recipient try on and put back the item of clothing because they didn't have the money to splurge on it, don't buy clothes for anybody. Chances are you'll get the wrong size, style, and/or color and your givee will be forced to wear the hideous thing once in front of you, then proceed to tuck it in the back of his/her closet and hope you forget about it soon. If you're set on clothes, you're much better off getting a gift certificate.

  • Figurines. No one likes and/or knows what to do with those things.

  • Offensive presents. You might think you're doing good by giving your overweight coworker an ab-roller for Christmas, but you're really just being a jerk. Think about what your presents are saying before you hand them over.

  • Presents that you actually want for yourself. Just because you want a remote-controlled monster truck doesn't mean your mom will appreciate it, especially when you ask to borrow the truck right after she takes it out of the box.

  • Too generic presents. Even though they are given often, mugs are never good presents except for people you barely know. Same thing goes with $10 worth of lottery tickets. In other words, stay away from gifts that say nothing except "I have no clue... so here."

  • Pets. There might be a reason why the recipient doesn't already have a dog or cat already. Pets are a big responsibility and it's a bad idea to push the recipient into that position without warning. Stick to sea monkeys, or perhaps a fish (if you know that he/she is an animal person) if you insist on giving something live.

4. CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING GIFTS

And now, a section for those of you who are growling, "Just tell me what I should buy, dammit!" We'll cut to the chase. Here are some fun present ideas categorized by how much dough you have, how funky your friends are, and how much creativity you can handle. And then there's a list of normal presents you should have been able to come up with yourself (but apparently haven't).

Nice (expensive) presents
Funky presents
Presents from the (frugal) heart
Just plain presents

Nice (expensive) presents

  • Lessons for something. Golf, drums, swing dancing, glass blowing, javelin throwing, whatever. Just be certain that the recipient has expressed an interest in the subject and can fit it into their schedule. Look up the lessons in your phone book, or check out local newspapers - you're likely to find special deals around the holidays.

  • Massagers. It's always nice to feel pampered. Check out this site for the next best thing to a real massage. One warning: when buying an electric massager for a woman, be sure not to get one of a certain…ummmmm…shape. She might get the wrong idea.

  • Tickets to a big event. Is your givee a big fan of hockey or Broadway or the Backstreet Boys? (If it's the last one, we're sorry.) Check out what's going down in town near the present-giving occasion (or a little after), and get tickets. You can either fork over the pair or keep one of the tickets for yourself and insist on accompanying the recipient (whether he/she wants you to or not).

  • Cool furniture/house stuff. We're talking hammocks, paper lanterns, and artwork - not a porcelain German shepherd statue (unless the recipient already collects porcelain dog statues - and why are you friends with such people?). Just make sure your present fits in with the recipient's décor.

Funky presents

These gag-ish gifts are good for laidback people with a sense of humor-but you might consider getting these presents in addition to a serious gift.

  • Chia Pet. We're not kidding - some people find these sorta kitschy and funny. Make sure your recipient is one of these people. Visit the official Chia website for the scoop on how to get one.

  • Dart board. They're entertaining, strangely addictive, and surprisingly cheap. For a bonus, attach a picture of the recipient's ex right in the center. Ahhhh, sweet catharsis. Check out a Modell's or Sports Authority near you.

  • Website domain name. Everyone wants a piece of the dotcom pie, right? If your recipient is HTML savvy, (or at least the paranoid type who wouldn't want anyone else "owning" his name), consider purchasing him a name-based URL. Just think: for about $35 a year, your givee can own www.JoeyShmoey.com! That's huge! Simply go to Register.com or NetworkSolutions.com, make sure the domain name has not been taken yet, and register it. Send your recipient an email prompting him/her to check out to their new name-based address-but first rig the URL so that it bounces to a random porn site. (We're all for making people blush.)

  • Anything from a novelty store. From naughty card games to farting nun dolls, there's something for everyone at the corner novelty store. Just promise us you won't go overboard with this stuff.

Presents from the (frugal) heart

  • A collage or a scrapbook that you fill with pictures and mementos of your relationship with the givee.

  • Cookies, cakes, muffins or anything else that's fattening and says, "I like you enough to bake for you!" Invest in some icing in a writing tube and decorate your gifts with little messages.

  • Coupon booklet filled with IOUs, like "IOU one laundry washing," or "IOU one trip to the movies." Just don't include anything you'll regret later on (like, "IOU one nose hair plucking.").

  • Homemade artwork, but only if you're good at art (and by that we mean if everyone else thinks you're good, too). Not even your mother wants another one of those macaroni-covered cardboard picture frames.

Just plain presents

The following presents are generic enough to apply to a lot of people without being too generic (like the aforementioned coffee mugs).

  • Journal. Pick out one with a cover that will interest the recipient here.

  • Stuffed animal. Be trendy about it and get a Ty Beanie Buddy or a Gund.

  • Chocolates. Don't buy chocolates if they're going to be the kind with the mystery middle. Invest in an elegant box of Godiva chocolates, or if you're strapped for cash, go with those gooey (and cheapy) Ferrero Rochers.

  • Gift certificates. Contrary to popular belief, gift certificates are not always a cop out, especially for people who like to shop for their own stuff and have highly picky tastes. Visit GiftCertificates.com for gift certificates for the movies. Also consider getting a gift certificate from the local beauty spa for a day of pampering.

  • Personalized stuff. All we have to say is make sure you get the recipient's name spelled right. Buy personalized things here. But please, no his and her monogrammed anything.

  • Gift baskets. Gift baskets don't have to consist only of shady-smelling cheeses. Check out GiftBaskets.com, or better yet, buy a cheapo basket and stuff it yourself.

  • Liquor. Who doesn't like a nice, stiff drink every now and then? Just make sure you're sending bottles to those of legal drinking age.

  • Board games. Games like Scattergories, Twister, Taboo, and Pictionary can make really great presents, especially when you're giving them to friends or family members that you get together with often. Also keep in mind that some games (like Monopoly) come in special editions (Pokemon, Star Wars, etc.), which allow you to appeal more closely to the recipient's interests.

  • Magazine subscription. If you happen to know that the recipient already buys issues of a certain magazine every once in awhile, get him/her a subscription. Rather than go through the expense of purchasing a copy yourself in order to score one of those subscription cards, simply go to a newsstand, pick up a copy of the desired magazine, and shake the bejesus out of it until a card comes floating out. Or you could just order the magazine online here.

  • And if all else fails… browse through Amazon.com or Buy.com. If you can't find anything at any of these places, you're hopeless and we officially wash our hands of you.

5. LEARN THESE RULES ON GETTING GIFTS FOR A SIGNIFICANT OTHER

To ensure that your sweetie will still love you after the holidays are over, heed these following gift-giving rules.

  1. Start off slow. If you begin the relationship by dipping into your savings to buy your honey the pony he/she's always wanted, you're in trouble. Every present after that will have to be larger animal, or it'll seem like you're getting cheaper and less romantic. So while you shouldn't start off with a pack of Juicy Fruit either, we advise you to hold off on anything big until your relationship is at least six months old. You won't regret it, especially if you're one of those couples - you know, the ones that celebrate every half-week anniversary with another present. Please…we just ate.

  2. Don't give him/her something that you actually want. We felt we had to reiterate this point here because it seems to be a common problem among couples. Your girlfriend doesn't really want that pair of wrestling tickets and you know it. And girls, the same goes for those box seats at the ballet. (Hooray for furthering gender stereotypes!)

    The only exception to this rule is when guys buy lingerie for their girlfriends. While we all know that this is more a present for the guy than it is for the girl, girls benefit from the gift by knowing that their boyfriends find them sexy enough to pull off the number. So boys, it's your duty to make sure your girlfriends can pull off the number. Research her size and preferred color very carefully (ask her friends, not her mother) and invest in expensive material. It's hard for one to feel sexy when one in a nightie made of polyester.

  3. Choose an activity rather than an object. Because you guys exchange gifts so often, it's probably hard to keep finding new stuff to buy. Instead, consider spending the money on a carriage ride through the park, dinner at a really fancy restaurant, an amusement park visit, or a (wink, wink) hotel room.

  4. Cook. Especially if you don't do it often, whip up a meal for your sweetie. Read up on this option in "SYW Cook A Romantic Dinner?" If your dinner is impressive enough to enable you to… uhhhh… spend the night, then you'll probably need "SYW Cook A Romantic Breakfast?" as well.

  5. Communicate with each other. Just as you're struggling to find stuff to buy your boy/girlfriend for the numerous gift-exchanging occasions that pop up (Valentine's Day, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries - who came up with all this crap?!), your significant other is probably struggling just as hard to figure out what you want. So give him/her a break and drop lots of hints. You'll benefit, too, by actually getting something you want!

OK, now stop reading and start buying. We'd offer to come along and help, but we hate shopping. It makes our little feetsies hurt.