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Step 1
Set healthy boundaries. "Don't take on issues, emotions and problems belonging to other family members," instructs Psychologist Charmaine Saunders. "Saying 'no' is difficult but vital at times." When gifts are exchanged during a holiday celebration, set spending limits or assign each person a specific family member to buy for. Ensure gifts, food and activities suit each child's age and parents' rules and tastes.
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Step 2
Choose neutral gathering locations and fun, interactive family-oriented activities. Focus on common ground, mutual goals and interests, and giving and receiving love and affection rather than winning arguments.
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Step 3
Don't pass judgment. Tolerance and patience can gradually build loving, trusting and durable family relationships. Psychologist Charmaine Saunders says that accepting ourselves and relatives as ordinary, flawed human beings can help deepen relationships.
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Step 4
Choose your battles and approach things wisely. Is the issue important enough to fight with relatives? Brainstorm positive, compassionate new responses to old family arguments. Share thoughts, opinions, needs and preferences in a calm, assertive way.
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Step 5
Let each person speak to improve effective communication. Listen carefully, and use specific examples to explain bothersome behavior and desired changes. Ask for feedback---and then listen when it's relayed. State viewpoints respectfully, clearly and honestly. Avoid name-calling, blaming, interrupting, defensiveness, getting even, and physical, emotional or verbal attacks.
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Step 6
Communicate lovingly and openly, even when you're angry. Use vocal tones, words and body language you would respond well to yourself. Give the conflict your full attention until relatives agree to disagree, designate a better time and place to tackle the issue, or the issue is resolved.
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Step 7
Switch perspectives. Try to understand all viewpoints. When searching for viable solutions ask, "What would you suggest?"
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Step 8
Plan ahead. Explain your schedule to relatives, and stick to it. Appreciate and respect your family's time and efforts, and expect reciprocation. Alternate holidays or days with different relatives.
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Step 9
Limit time and energy spent on unsupportive, frustrating relationships, suggests family therapist Sharon Rinkin. Shorten visits or decline invitations that aren't enjoyable or don't work in your schedule.
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Step 10
Accept and acknowledge feelings and remember you have choices. Thanking relatives for their concern may dissipate conflict even without agreement. Walk away if you need to, but tell family when you'll return to discuss problems.
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Step 11
Boost your ability to cope. Eat well and get enough sleep. Breathe deeply to remain calm during conflicts.
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Step 12
Resolve recurring issues one at a time outside family gatherings. Discuss possible causes, alternatives, how to implement chosen solutions, and how well they worked.
Conflict at family gatherings can seem like a boxing match.9f7f8aef-14df-106b-9f5f-775e0bb8c030283423
